The Art of Acceptance

I resolve to be content.

The last few months have been growing ones for me (a watered-down euphemism I’ll admit, but one which aptly describes the development of my understanding of what it means to be truly content). During this time, I have once again been reminded that I need to stop making my own plans for my life, because the more I plan, the more things just don’t seem to work out. God is clearly in control and I need to learn to accept that His ways are always, always better than my own. I need to let go of my hopes and dreams and place them into the secure hands of a providing God who has yet to let me down.

I’ll be the first one to admit that the process of becoming content within one’s own reality is no easy task, particularly when one feels so far from where one had hoped to be. There is no quick fix, but rather an intentional change of both perspective and attitude within each new season of one’s life. Acceptance and contentment are skills that need to be chosen and adopted and then slowly applied and mastered through each demanding life experience. I know that I am still in this growing (there’s that word again!) process because every now and again, my desire for control rears its ugly head and I am filled with such intense frustration and disappointment regarding my current situation.

I indiscriminately aim these unnecessary emotions at the ones I love the most -  God, my husband and the Church, blaming them for my current circumstances. [Quick disclaimer: I never wanted to be a pastor’s wife. I never wanted to live in a small, rundown Afrikaans dorpie in my mid-twenties (or ever really!). My current circumstances seem to be a far cry from where I had hoped and dreamed to be at this stage in my life…but where is that exactly?] I feel a sense of anger towards these role players who have changed my plans and placed me in situations in which I really don’t enjoy. But what is the point of dejection? It really serves no purpose. I quickly realised that I needed an intentional change in perspective and attitude if I was going to survive this season of my life. I am now in the process of learning to understand the disappointment of my current circumstances and to accept and embrace them for the joy that they can bring.

This post is all about the beauty and joy one can find in accepting the realities of life. I give full credit to a book I have recently read for the happy ramblings that are to follow. The Book of Joy is a truly remarkable collaboration between his Holiness the Dalai Lama and the Archbishop Desmond Tutu with author Douglas Abrams at its helm. It is their gift to the world of how to create lasting happiness in a changing and harsh reality.

So here I am, stuck in a small town in the Free State province of South Africa, not particularly sure of what I am doing or how I can find a sense of purpose and meaning in my situation. How can I learn to accept the reality of my situation without being morose? How can I accept my life in all its pain, imperfection and beauty?

In the Book of Joy, the Archbishop and the Dalai Lama remind us that we are meant to live in joy, but this does not mean that life will be easy or painless. In actual fact, life is constantly unpredictable, uncontrollable, and often quite challenging. But we can choose how we react to this reality. We often experience a sense of suffering because of the way we react to people, places, things and circumstances in our lives, rather than accepting them. It is impossible for us to experience joy with this perspective. Acceptance is the sword that cuts through all of our resistance, allowing us to relax, to see clearly and to respond appropriately.

Acceptance means that we can turn our faces to the wind and accept that this is the storm through which we must pass. The acceptance of reality is the only place from which real and lasting change can begin. We need to realign our thinking, no longer asking the question, “How can I escape this?” but rather “How can I use this as something positive?”

My acceptance of my reality allows me to engage with life on its own terms rather than rail against the fact that life is not as I would wish. My anger and disappointment arose of my expectations of how I thought my life should be. When we accept that life is how it is, not as we think it should be, we are able to move from suffering, stress, anxiety and dissatisfaction, to a place of greater ease, comfort and happiness.

I’m not saying that if one is in a bad situation, one should do nothing to get out of it and rather just accept it for what it is. Acceptance is not passive. It is the opposite of resignation and defeat. It is a powerful, active force; a paradox in and of itself. Christian author, Priscilla Shirer, puts it like this, “Contentment is the equilibrium between the enjoyment of life now and the anticipation of what is to come…it is the key to unlock you from the bondage of unrestrained longing that wells up within your heart and inevitably begins to control your life, making you a slave to what you don’t have instead of a fully engaged participant with what you do. It is the faith-filled belief that what God has bestowed now is worthy of gratitude and appreciation, not merely because it is enough but because it is good…Contentment is the ticket to live with goals and ambitions inspired by His expansive, mid-blowing will, without having to sacrifice today’s blessings.” 

Acceptance does not deny the importance of taking life seriously and working hard to change what needs changing, to redeem what needs redemption. Look at the Archbishop and the Dalai Lama…they are two of the world’s most tireless activists for all its inhabitants, but their activism comes from a deep acceptance of what is. For example, the Archbishop did not accept the inevitability of the apartheid system, but he did accept its reality. Often, once we have come to a place of acceptance of our reality, that we can really start to make a difference to our lives and the lives of others we encounter.

As a Christian, I have faith in a God who is in control of my circumstances and creates and uses situations to bring about the best for me. More often than not, the difficult situations in my life have caused for the most growth, the most compassion and a more genuine me. I need to stop trying to hurry through this current season but rather learn to pay attention to how God is working, because there will come a time in the future (maybe at the end of time itself?) when I will truly see the fullness of joy in all the situations that have passed. As Philip Yancey once wrote, “Our lives are the raw material through which God can work and create beautiful pieces of art.” But we have to let Him. One of the hardest things to do is to learn to be present in each moment– to accept the vulnerability, discomfort, and anxiety of everyday life. Being content with the messiness of life is one of the most relinquishing, refreshing and hopeful things a person can do. There is so much beauty in the mess, we just have to learn to look for it.

The Serenity Prayer:

God, give us the grace to accept with serenity

The things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things which should be changed,

And the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other

Reinhold Niebuhr